Using Soft Startups as a Communication Skill During Difficult Conversation
Jill Dean, Ed. S., LPC Counseling Services
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Often, women may find themselves living in a house, and often co-parenting with, a partner who they may be in the process of divorcing. Many may experience difficulty in communicating effectively before, during , and after a divorce.
When you are in this type of situation, and bringing up a concern to your partner, the first three minutes are crucial. A Soft Startup sets a positive tone and can help to minimize or resolve conflict. By beginning a conversation calmly and respectfully, you and your partner are more likely to focus on the problem, rather than what’s the problem.
Below are several proven skills to try when you need to have open communication with your partner or ex-partner, these tips below, when applied as instructed, should help you to navigate your way through the conversation.
Save the conversation for a calm moment. *Wait for a time when you and your partner are alone, without distractions or interruptions. * Make sure you and your partner are relaxed, and not tired, hungry, or stressed.
Use gentle body language and tone of voice.*Take an attitude of teamwork and problem-solving, rather than arguing or blaming. *Speak calmly, without raising your voice. *Avoid hurtful body language, such as eye-rolling scowling, or mocking.
Use “I” statements to express how you feel. *Focus on how a problem is affecting you, rather assigning blame. *Say: : “I feel [emotion] when [situation].” Without “I” statement: “You’re so closed off. We need to talk more.” With “I” statements: “I feel lonely when we don’t talk.”
Describe the problem clearly. *Discuss only one at a time. *Be specific. Broad complaints like “the house is a mess” may be misunderstood.
Be respectful. *Make a polite request, rather than a demand. *Thank your partner for listening and addressing a problem. Examples: “Could you please…” “Thank you for…” “I would appreciate it if…”
Trying these tips can help you to communicate more effectively with your partner/ex-partner. Find out more about communication and other issues that can help you transition through this season of your life.
Written by: Jill Dean, Ed. S., L.P.C., a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Pelham, Shelby County, Alabama. She is an all-inclusive therapist who works with trauma/CPTSD, neurodivergence, trauma/CPTSD, anxiety, grief and Bipolar disorder, to name a few.
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