HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS vs EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
by Deborah S. Wilder, Ph.D., Psychologist, Divorce Mediator, and Relationship and Divorce Specialist
More and more, I have had the privilege of working with many wonderful women who have had the misfortune of being in Emotionally Abusive Relationships. This article compares healthy relationships with emotionally abusive ones and focuses on the psychological dynamics and implications for individual well-being. This article can serve as a guide for understanding the nature of your relationship and determining what your best options and next steps may be. As always, I’m here to help.
1. COMMUNICATION DYNAMICS
In Healthy Relationships:
• Couples engage in transparent, respectful communication.
• Active listening and empathy are prevalent, fostering understanding.
• Disagreements are approached as opportunities for growth and learning.
• Compromise is a shared goal, reflecting a balance of needs and desires.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Communication is often laced with criticism, contempt, and hostility.
• The abusive partner may employ tactics like gaslighting to manipulate reality.
• Conflict resolution is dysfunctional, often exacerbating emotional distress.
• Silent treatment or overt aggression can be used as control mechanisms.
2. RESPECT AND TRUST
In Healthy Relationships:
• Partners exhibit deep respect for each other's autonomy and individuality.
• Trust is foundational, built on consistency and reliability in actions and words.
• Personal growth is mutually supported, recognizing that individual health bolsters relationship health.
• Differences are celebrated as enriching, rather than threatening.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Respect is eroded, often replaced by possessiveness and jealousy.
• Trust is frequently broken, leading to an atmosphere of insecurity and suspicion.
• One partner's dominance suppresses the other's personal development.
• Differences are exploited to create a sense of inferiority or unworthiness.
3. POWER AND CONTROL
In Healthy Relationships:
• Equality and fairness underscore decision-making processes.
• Partners share responsibilities and power, valuing each other’s contributions.
• There is a sense of empowerment and mutual respect in interactions.
• Negotiation and flexibility signify a healthy power balance.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Power dynamics are skewed, with one partner exerting control over the other.
• Responsibilities are often unequally distributed, reinforcing power imbalances.
• The abusive partner’s need for control stifles the other’s sense of agency.
• Decision-making is unilateral, often disregarding the needs or wishes of the other.
4. EMOTIONAL WELLBEING
In Healthy Relationships:
• Emotional support is reciprocal, fostering a sense of security and belonging.
• Partners feel valued and emotionally nourished.
• The relationship serves as a source of comfort and resiliency.
• Emotional needs are acknowledged and met with compassion.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Emotional needs are neglected or manipulated, leading to distress and low self-esteem.
• Fear and anxiety predominate, eroding a sense of safety.
• Emotional manipulation is a common tactic for control and domination.
• The abused partner often feels unseen, unheard, and unimportant.
5. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
In Healthy Relationships:
• Conflicts are managed with respect and a focus on finding solutions.
• Apologies and forgiveness are sincere, facilitating healing and understanding.
• Disagreements are seen as a normal part of relationships, not a threat.
• Solutions are sought that respect the dignity and needs of both partners.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Conflicts often escalate to emotional or physical intimidation.
• The abusive partner may refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing, avoiding accountability.
• Conflicts are used to demean or belittle the partner.
• Resolution, if it occurs, is often one-sided, leaving underlying issues unresolved.
6. AUTONOMY AND INTERDEPENDENCE
In Healthy Relationships:
• Couples find a balance between closeness and individual freedom.
• Independence is encouraged alongside a healthy interdependent relationship dynamic.
• Each partner maintains a strong sense of self within the relationship framework.
• Mutual support is based on a desire for the other’s well-being, not out of obligation or control.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• The abusive partner often isolates the victim, undermining their social support.
• Dependence is fostered, diminishing the victim’s sense of self-efficacy.
• The victim's identity and interests are subsumed under the relationship’s oppressive dynamics.
• The relationship’s interdependence is skewed, serving the abuser's needs at the expense of the victim’s needs.
7. PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
In Healthy Relationships:
• Intimacy is based on mutual consent, respect, and enjoyment.
• Emotional and physical safety is paramount, fostering true vulnerability.
• Emotional intimacy is deep, characterized by shared experiences and mutual empathy.
• Physical affection is an expression of love and connection, not obligation or coercion.
In Emotionally Abusive Relationships:
• Intimacy is often used as a vehicle for control or manipulation.
• Emotional safety is lacking, leading to an intimacy that is fraught with tension and unease.
• Emotional connections are superficial or manipulative, lacking genuine empathy.
• Physical affection may be used as a tool for control or withheld as punishment.
To summarize, the distinction between healthy relationships and emotionally abusive ones lies in the dynamics of communication, respect, power, emotional well-being, conflict resolution, independence and intimacy. It is so important to recognize these signs for both prevention and intervention in emotionally abusive relationships. The physical, mental and emotional impacts of these abusive relationships can be profound, often necessitating therapeutic intervention for healing and recovery. There is hope.